I Dream Of Johnny (novella) Page 3

  “Hello there, I’m Jonathan Fortran Schnecklmyer.” He held out a hand.

  “Oh, I’d come over and shake your hand but I’m afraid the old rheumatoid arthritis won’t let me.” She smiled an apology. “But it’s nice to meet you, Jonathan.”

  Wish I had that excuse. Better yet, I wish he had that excuse.

  Jonathan dropped his hand to his side. “Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease, mostly causing inflammation of the joints with synovial hyperplasia and pannus formation. I can see that you’re badly affected. You’ve most likely lost much of your articular cartilage, and ankylosis is setting in.” He pointed to her unmoving, knobbly, and mildly deformed fingers.

  “Jonathan!” I scolded, tugging on his arm and ushering him towards the front door. I mouthed a “sorry” at Mrs Kramer and shut the door behind us as we entered the house. “It’s not nice to tell people those things!”

  “I was simply informing her about her medical condition. Knowledge is power, you know.”

  “I’m sure she already knows a lot about her condition, and it doesn’t do any good to emphasise the problem. Now go and sit down, I need a drink.”

  “Oh, I’ll get it —”

  “No! Sit. I’ll get it.” I poured a glass of red and sculled it, then headed for the bathroom. “I have to get ready for the wedding. My computer’s over there,” I pointed at the messy desk against the wall. “Go play...um...” What do geeks play? “...a game or something.”

  I locked myself in the bathroom, thankful I could at least leave him alone in a different room, if not a different building. Soothing jets of water streamed down my skin and I wished Dan wasn’t coming to the wedding, but he was good mates with Jodie’s fiancé —that’s how we’d met. With any luck he wouldn’t think Jonathan and I were together. With any luck, no one would think Jonathan and I were together.

  I turned off the water flow when repeated knocking sounded on the bathroom door.

  “Mandy.”

  Knock-knock-knock.

  “Mandy.”

  Knock-knock-knock.

  “Mandy.”

  Knock-knock-knock.

  Great, he was channelling his inner Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory.

  “What do you want?”

  “May I turn on your television and watch Science Weekly?”

  “Yes, Jonathan, turn on the TV. Now please let me get ready in peace.”

  A moment later, a monotone voice discussing something to do with genetic modification travelled through the walls, and I drowned it out by turning the shower back on. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It felt like I was in some kind of alternate reality. I’d actually received three wishes? I obviously goofed up big time on the third, but the others...the endless money was a good choice, but the tidy house was probably a waste. I could have just bought a new one! Duh!

  I washed my hair that was long overdue for a cut and stepped out of the shower. The monotone voice from the TV was now discussing the chemistry of ozone depletion. I dried off and ducked into the bedroom, shutting the door behind me, and slipped, or rather, squeezed, into my purple shift dress. So I’d worn it to my cousin’s wedding a few months ago —big whoop. Today’s wedding would be a different crowd and they’d be none the wiser.

  I applied make-up and turned on the hair dryer, rolling a brush along my drab blonde strands in the hope of adding some much needed volume. When I’d groomed myself to an adequate standard, a ‘woohoo!’ emerged from Jonathan’s mouth in the living room. Who knew Science Weekly could be so exciting?

  I exited the bedroom to find him moving about in front of the TV, Wii remote in hand.

  “I’m fitter than I thought!” he exclaimed.

  “Jonathan, you set up the Wii for me?”

  He nodded. “And the DVR and the new television. When I started watching Science Weekly on your little TV I noticed you had new equipment lying around, so I took the liberty of setting it all up. It was so much fun! Why they bother with including instructions I have no idea, it’s so easy a child could do it.”

  But not a grown woman. Anyway, it didn’t matter. My ego may have been bruised but my problem was solved!

  “Well, thank you, Jonathan. That’s a big help to me,” I said, and his face glowed with satisfaction.

  “Anything for you, snookums.” He grinned.

  Snookums? Sheesh.

  “Wanna join me in a game?” His eyes pleaded.

  “Oh, sorry, I don’t want to get all sweaty. I’ve just had a shower. Besides, we have to get going to the wedding.” I cleared my throat. “You ready?”

  He dropped his head to scan his appearance and nodded. He was far from ready in my opinion but what could I do? I took a swig of red as I passed the kitchen, grabbed my iPhone, dropped it into my evening bag, picked up the gift box containing the couples’ mobile and gave it to Jonathan to hold. Since I was cabbing it to the wedding, I wouldn’t have a car to leave the gift in and would have to bring it into the church, so I might as well put him to good use.

  “Why are we hiding behind a tree?” Jonathan asked as I peered towards the church entrance where guests filtered in.

  “We’re just waiting for a good time to go in.” So we can hide up the back and no one will notice.

  “There’s no time like the present!” He tugged on my arm. “I can’t wait to meet your friends. If you like, I could go up to the altar and announce our arrival, you know, to introduce myself to everyone?”

  “No!” I pulled him back. “That wouldn’t be appropriate. Just wait a bit, and then we’ll slip quietly inside, okay?”

  “Okay.” He dropped his head.

  I glanced at my watch. Jodie would be arriving soon and I didn’t want her walking down the aisle before I took my seat. Well, there was no easy way to do this. “C’mon, let’s go in.”

  “Yippee!”

  “Jonathan! Not so loud, okay? You have to speak quietly in and around churches.”

  He made a motion of zipping his lips and I assessed the seating arrangements. Susan and her husband were in the last row on the left side. I scooted in beside her and Jonathan followed.

  “Welcome back, Suse, can’t wait to hear about your holiday!”

  “It was wonderful.” She hugged me then eyed my date with curiosity. “Oh, hello. You must be...Dan?” She spoke the name so weakly it practically collapsed on her tongue. I took that moment to steal a brief glance around to see if Dan was here, but Mr Geek God got in the way when he decided to stand and grasp Susan’s hand with overt enthusiasm.

  “No, I’m Jonathan Fortran Schnecklmyer. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

  Why did he have to use his full name all the time? And speak like someone from a hundred years ago? And what kind of a middle name was Fortran?

  A stunned Susan smiled curtly and eyed me with a ‘what the hell?’ expression. I leaned in to her ear and whispered, “Dan and I broke up, no big deal, and Jonathan’s a...friend of the family. I promised I’d...entertain him for the weekend.” I rolled my eyes.

  As guests whispered amongst themselves and a nervous-looking fiancé kept glancing towards the back of the church, awaiting Jodie’s arrival, I took the opportunity to quench my curiosity. “Jonathan, I’ve never heard of your middle name before. Where does it originate from?”

  He looked at me in disbelief. “You’ve never heard of Fortran?”

  I shook my head. “Nope.”

  “It’s the legendary computer programming language that was developed in the fifties of course!” He spoke a little too loud and a few people turned around.

  “Oh, right. Of course.” I nodded like I’d momentarily forgotten the history of computer science, then turned as music began and the woman in white entered the church. The guests stood, and I smiled as Jodie walked past, arm in arm with her father, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

  Hold it in, Jodes, hold it in! I hoped she was wearing heavy duty waterproof mascara.

  “Doesn’t she
look gorgeous!” Susan said, and I nodded with a smile. “And...” she leaned in close to me “...you can’t even tell she’s pregnant.”

  “The bride is pregnant?” Jonathan whispered.

  “Shhh!” I replied, even though I was glad he hadn’t spoken loud enough for the whole congregation to hear. Only a few people knew, and Jodie wanted to wait till after the wedding to announce it.

  “Yes,” I replied, as Susan mouthed an “oops”.

  I gave Jonathan the ceremony leaflet to keep him occupied as the proceedings got underway. The priest recited the standard script then looked into the congregation. “If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in Holy Matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

  I didn’t understand why they bothered saying that, it’s not like anyone was going to object like they did in the movies and say —

  “Um.” Jonathan cleared his throat and stood.

  Oh dear God. I discreetly tugged on his shorts to encourage him to sit back down but he remained standing, all eyes on him. I shrunk closer to Susan.

  “Yes?” the priest asked.

  “I don’t object to the wedding, I just have a bit of an...issue with the bride’s choice of attire.”

  Choice of attire? I had issues with his choice of attire but didn’t go announcing it to a room full of strangers.

  “She’s wearing a white veil, and although she looks stunningly beautiful, I feel I must point out an incongruence.” He cleared his throat again and scratched his head. “A white veil traditionally means purity and chastity, but I have it on good authority that this woman is not a virgin.”

  Gasps filled the air, and a few chuckles, and I didn’t dare look at Jodie’s face.

  “It’s true,” he continued. “And she is with child.”

  More gasps filled the church and I wished God would have mercy on me and give me a one way express ticket to the Pearly Gates. This couldn’t be happening. Why?

  “You’re pregnant?” Jodie’s fiancé asked. “And who is this guy and how does he know?”

  “I was going to tell you on our honeymoon!” Jodie replied, her face glowing pink. “And,” she looked towards Jonathan, “I have no idea who he is!”

  The mother of the bride approached the altar with arms outstretched and tears streaming down her face, exclaiming that she would finally be a grandmother. Jodie accepted her embrace but remained stiff, her face confused and annoyed, until guests started clapping and she broke into a smile, hand on her stomach and nodding her head in confirmation.

  I couldn’t hear what her fiancé said but he whispered something in her ear and they embraced, and he planted a kiss on her lips.

  “You’re not supposed to kiss till the priest says so!” Jonathan bellowed, and I yanked his arm and forced my lips into a stern line.

  “Jonathan!” I glared at him. “You must be quiet now! Please let the priest do his thing and don’t interrupt anything. Got it?”

  “Got it, Mandy. I’m terribly sorry if I upset you. I was simply being honest. It’s an honourable quality.”

  “It can be, but not in a situation like this!”

  “But look.” He directed my gaze to the happy couple who seemed oblivious to everyone’s staring and chattering. “I made them happy. It is all better to be out in the open, don’t you think?”

  I almost ran from the church then and there, the thought of being seen with this odd stranger becoming more unbearable by the minute.

  When the chaos had settled and the priest finally announced them husband and wife and concluded the ceremony, Jonathan burst into tears.

  “I’m so happy for them!” Sob, sob, sob. “What an emotional ceremony.” Sob, sob, sob. “Mandy?” His eyes pleaded. “We must get married one day, we must!”

  Not in this life.

  ”It would be absolutely amazing, you and I together forever.” His sobs lessened and his red face became full of excitement. “Oh, and we could have four kids, or maybe five. No, make it six!”

  I shook my head and went to stand, but he grasped my arm with surprising strength.

  “And, and...we could name our children after elements of the periodic table! Yes! Perfect!” He brought a curved finger to his chin. “Let’s see, our first could be Argon, that would suit a boy, and a girl could be Rubidium. Oh, oh! And what about Antimony and Molybdenum? Wow, I have the most brilliant ideas!”

  You’ve got to be kidding me! Even if my future husband was the actual Greek God I’d tried to wish for and he wanted to name our kids after elements, there’s no way I’d agree. ‘Magnesium, sweetie, dinner’s ready!’ and ‘Potassium, my darling, come and give Mummy a hug’ didn’t exactly roll off the tongue. I wouldn’t even give those names to a pet!

  “Oh, Mandy, we are going to have the most delightful life together!” Jonathan’s voice oozed enthusiasm, and before I could escape the pew he launched his lips against mine. It was like being kissed by a dog; his lips slobbered everywhere and his tooth even cut my lip. It was as though he’d played ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ and stuck the bloody thing right in my mouth! And worse, when I finally managed to detach him from my face, I glanced beyond his shoulder to see Dan, my ex, staring at me with a mixture of horror and amusement.

  Forget the Pearly Gates —if Hell was closer I’d take it.

  Chapter 5

  Luckily, I’d asked Jodie a week ago to change the seating arrangements for the reception so I wouldn’t be seated next to Dan. She’d kept a ‘plus one’ seat next to me on the off chance I’d meet someone new and wanted to bring him along, even though I’d told her that would be ridiculous. Now the situation was even more ridiculous —not only did I indeed have a guest for the wedding, he was the most incompatible date I’d had in my entire dating life.

  “Ooh, smoked salmon, my favourite!” Jonathan exclaimed as the entrée of potato rosti topped with salmon and a drizzle of dill mayonnaise was placed in front of him. “Did you know that salmon is one of the highest sources of omega-three essential fatty acids?” He didn’t wait for anyone at our table to respond. “Omega-three contains DHA and EPA, otherwise known as docosahexaenoic acid and eicosapentaenoic acid which modulate prostaglandin production in the body to reduce inflammation.” He popped a sliver of salmon into his mouth and swallowed with a satisfied moan. “Everyone should eat omega-three rich foods like fish at least three times a week.”

  “That’s, um, good to know,” said Susan, holding back a grin.

  One of our dinner companions rolled his eyes. “The only thing I have consistently, three times a week, is beer,” he said with a snort. Why did Jonathan have to turn every conversation into a science lesson?

  As the alternate meals meant I’d been served chicken and cucumber salad instead, I’d have to catch up on my omega-three fatty acid quota at home. How could something including the words ‘fatty’ and ‘acid’ be good for you anyway? It didn’t make sense.

  “Here, Mandy sweetheart, let me indulge your taste buds.” Jonathan dove his hand towards my plate and tore off a chunk of chicken with his fork. “Here comes the choo-choo train! Choo-choo, choo-choo!” He moved the fork forward in short chugs. “Open wide.”

  “Jonathan, I can feed myself.” I turned my face to the side but too late, his fork, er...train arrived at the station of my mouth and he added to the cut lip from his earlier kiss with a stab from the fork. “Ouch!” I brought my hand to my lip and it met a moist smear of blood. “Jonathan!”

  He dropped the fork in shock and it clattered on my plate, rebounded, and landed in my lap, cucumber and salad dressing forming a wet blob on my dress. “I’m so sorry! Oh goodness me, I’m such a klutz.” He grabbed a napkin and dabbed at my lip but I pushed his hand away.

  “It’s okay, I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute.” Susan handed me a tissue from her purse and I tried to regain some sort of dignity as I realised I needn’t have applied blusher to my cheeks today. Bloody hell, there was still a main course, dessert, and speeches to go
! Damn that freaking lamp! But then I remembered my limitless funds and felt slightly better ...until after the main course when the MC invited guests onto the dance floor. Dread pooled in my veins as Jonathan dragged me up, and despite my protests he won out. Thankfully a few other guests took to the floor as the music blared. At least we could hide somewhat in the crowd and maybe I could surreptitiously wriggle and jive my way away from him.

  No such luck.

  Wherever I moved, he followed, dancing around me and making grotesque faces of desire as though I was a prime chunk of meat he wanted to devour. As Beyoncé sang, Jonathan danced —if you could have called it that. He jolted and jerked, wriggled and shook, and for all anyone knew he could have been having a seizure. He was like Mr Bean on Red Bull.

  “I’m thirsty, I’ll just get a drink,” I said in his ear, rejecting his request to come with me. “You keep dancing, you’re doing such a great job. I’ll just be a minute!”

  He resumed his assault on the dance floor and I escaped to the table. I grabbed my wine and tipped my head back, and when it returned to its normal alignment I almost dropped my glass. “Dan. Hi.”

  “Hi, yourself.” He glanced in the direction of Mr Bean. “I see you’ve moved onwards and upwards.” A smirk graced his face.

  “We’re not together,” I blurted.

  “It sure looks that way,” he replied. “I think he’s stuck on you — big time.”

  Warmth flushed my face and I gripped my glass so tight I thought I might crush it.

  “Anyway, it’s good to see you moving on. I am too.” A young woman approached his side and handed him a drink.

  “Here you go, honey.”

  “Oh, thanks, gorgeous.” He took the glass and raised it in front of me along with his eyebrows. “This is Mandy. Mandy, this is Joy.”

  Oh joy.

  “Hi,” I said through tight lips. “So, how long have you two been together?” I asked, eyebrows raised in competition with his.

  “Nine days,” Joy replied, with such enthusiasm I thought she’d burst. “We met online, and we just clicked. Isn’t that right, honey?” He nodded, and then pointed and laughed at her pun.